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October 2005 - Ask Kim Column
Dear Kim:
My mother is elderly and in declining health. Although I have two siblings in the area, the responsibilities associated with doctor's visits, etc., fall on me. Since she lives closest to me, I visit her every day. I love her dearly and want to help, but I am getting increasingly bitter toward my siblings. I am single, and therefore, must work, so I use vacation time to take care of these errands. Will this continue, or will my siblings step up to the plate at some point? Also, does my mother recognize this as a problem? I am very stressed out and unable to keep all the balls in the air at times.
Sandy D., 49
Houston, Texas
Dear Sandy:
You've already made your decision about "stepping up to the plate" and you're doing so beautifully. My heart goes out to your siblings, however, because they are unknowingly creating gigantic regrets that even good therapy won't help them resolve---once your dear mother passes.
They've already demonstrated how much they're willing to help, so why waste any more of your precious energy being frustrated with them? They are selfish and self-centered, and they take you for granted, and there is nothing you can do about that. So why feel bitter? It's like feeling continually upset about the bugs and humidity in Houston! We never have the power to force someone else to rise to the occasion.
But you can chose to continue being there for your mom---after all, she has no one else, even though she has two other children. Make no mistake---she DOES realize how giving and generous you are with your energy and affection. The time to do things for your mom is NOW because she is going to pass very soon. It's a good thing that you are capable of juggling so many balls in the air at one time! You'll always have vacation time---but you won't always have the privilege of doing loving things for your mom that she truly appreciates. Unlike your siblings, you'll be able to look back on this stressful period with immense pride for all the rest of your life.
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Dear Kim:
I am happily married to a wonderful man with four stepchildren. The biological mother of the stepchildren keeps everyone in a place of drama with deceit and manipulation. And due to a combination of neglect and abuse, she has made her youngest child explosive and uncontrollable (he's nine years old). Will his emotional health ever get better without his having to take medication? And will we ever be able to get custody?
Dee W., 48
San Antonio, TX
Dear Dee:
I wish I had more positive news for you regarding the near future. The mother (I'd call her Mommie Dearest, but I don't want to sound judgmental!) will continue to abuse this precious little boy until he can move away from her on his own steam. Fortunately, for him, I do see your stepson coming to live with you and your husband when he's in high school. He is likely to need medication until then.
The mother is deliberately trying to antagonize you and your happy household because she is angry with her ex---and hateful toward all men---even her darling son. She needs therapy...but she won't get it. In the coming years, your stepson is going to get all the therapy he needs to allow him to develop great relationships with women; and he will go on to have a very happy marriage and be an excellent father.
You and his biological mother are two of his best teachers. You are teaching your stepson about how wonderful and nurturing women can be; how much you value and appreciate men; you demonstrate how much you accept him, which helps with his low self esteem; and, in your home, he is learning what it means to be a part of a healthy, harmonious, loving family. Leading by example, you are teaching him what it means to be accountable and responsible for what he does and says---especially when he is angry. You are teaching him, little by little, how to create the best quality of life possible.
And on the flip side, he chose his biological mother---when he was planning his destiny for this lifetime---because he knew that she would provide the necessary adversity he needed to work through some serious issues. He needed her to teach him what NOT to do. Although there are plenty of times when you will feel inept, and as if you are the worst stepmother in the world, you ARE doing an exemplary job! Remember that you are the only positive female (family) role model he has.
By the way, this young man is extremely interested in receiving positive reinforcement from you. He does love you, and he feels safe and secure with you. He needs to vent because of the ongoing melodrama with his mother---and that's the reason that you are going to be on the receiving end of his anger at times. And when that happens, you need to continue reinforcing how he can vent his hurt and confusion in acceptable ways. Keep up the good work!
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Dear Kim:
I've been in an on-again, off-again relationship with one particular guy for about five years. I can't decide if my "gut instinct" has been right all along that he is just not for me, or if I still have old emotional hurts that prevent me from letting go and loving him. He really is such a good man, but there just seems to be something missing. Am I just too picky? Why am I so hard on him?
Sandra C., 34
Houston, TX
Dear Sandra:
Ships are safe in the harbor, but that's not what ships were built for! Why aren't you out on the open seas, exploring what Mr. Wonderful possibilities are out there for you? Why are you choosing to limit your life with this man? Your angels have ceased to help you because you keep giving them mixed messages by remaining in an unfulfilling relationship. You are not being too picky! Rather than explaining all the reasons why your present guy isn't enough for you---stuff that you're already aware of---I'll share something that you don't know. Break off with Mr. Right Now, and join the dating service EHarmony.Com.
You have a Mr. Wonderful waiting for you.
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Dear Kim:
I have been separated from my husband for over 4 years. He keeps begging me to come back to make him happy. I told him I was not the answer to his happiness. I had a vision of him hurting himself---he is very depressed and I advised him to get help but he won't. I left because I don't think he is in terms with his own sexuality. I am so lost and confused. Do you see us ever divorcing?
Maureen T., 40
Spring
Dear Maureen:
You know why you haven't had the time or the energy to move on with your life? Because you're too busy being a Jewish mother to your husband! The poor guy is confused! On the one hand, you keep telling him that you won't get back together---but then, you don't demonstrate that by moving forward and seeking a divorce.
You know that he isn't going to file, so what are you waiting for? As you say, you're not responsible for his happiness. And it's very true! You couldn't be making him---or yourself---more unhappy than perpetuating this limbo you both have been enduring for the last four years. It's like being stuck in emotional, spiritual, physical, mental, and financial quicksand. Plus, your angels wonder why you care about his sexuality...when you decided some time ago that you had no intention of ever being intimate with him again?
The only way to facilitate peace and contentment is to let the poor schlemiel go. Only when he realizes that you have no future together will he seek out the love he so craves in another relationship. And you'd be doing something glorious for yourself at the same time. To attract a soul mate relationship, you have to move out of the marriage.
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Would you like Kim to answer a question for you in her column? Please write or email your question, including your name and age. If you'd like information about a private session, you can contact Kim at 281-651-1599, or through our Contact Form.
Kim O'Neill
4008 Louetta Rd
#362
Spring, Texas 77388
kim@kimoneillpsychic.com
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